No More Denials: Anger, Forgiveness, and Letting Go

Posted on | October 21, 2009 | 2 Comments

Today I learned that an ex-boyfriend is moving out of the geographical region we have both inhabited for the last 12-13 years. Although we have many mutual friends and have been considered “movers-and-shakers” in the DC pagan scene, we have barely spoken to each other in the last 7 years. Needless to say, from my perspective we had a particularly dramatic and brutal break-up.

Over the years, I have learned to be publicly cordial to him, to be “adult” and not drag my issues out for the whole community to deal with. Yay for me!

But I have to admit, that deep down, I am still not over it all. Over him, yes. Over my experience of our relationship and breakup and betrayal, no.

And now, he is moving across the country. What takes me by surprise is that I have for the last year or so thought, “Maybe I should forgive him. This anger and pain is heavy in my heart.” But I still have not let all that go yet. And that bothers me. I want to forgive him — not for his sake, but for mine. I don’t like who I am when I look into that wound — the blind rage, the searing pain, the loss of trust, and lack of compassion. And yet, there’s a part of me that is desparate to hold on to all of that because she is afraid that she might forget both the highs and the lows if she lets go.

And then I read a post on repressed anger by Brooks, a woman I’ve never met who I found through a link from Christine over at Bliss Chick:

I have gone through the motions of forgiving this person a couple times already, but I now see clearly that there is anger. My body told me. I saw it. And I am not ignoring it. However, seeing the depth of this particular wound humbles me. My mind can say, “I forgive you,” and this might be a lie. There is a deeper reality where even if you want to forgive because it looks like life would be easier if you did, you can’t choose forgiveness from the mental realm. There is a truth, a heart truth. I’m mad as hell, and I can’t talk or think my anger away. Since it looks like I can’t choose not to have this anger I find myself wondering if the solution lies in faith and prayer.

I know there is a ritual that I can do to “cut the cords” between us, that will allow for the severed ends to heal. I know that this ritual would be effective. But what if, even after all these years, I am not ready to let him go.

Doesn’t seem to matter because he is going anyway, and actually has been gone for quite some time. I think it is time. I feel it is time. Way past time. I can’t imagine that all this is good for either of us, but frankly, I’m more concerned in this matter about my own health and life.

Acting like you are not hurt in public is not the same as being healed. When will I have the courage and the compassion to walk toward healing?

Image: Geburah: No More Denials by Angela Raincatcher, 2007

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