Fear of Retreat

Posted on | July 13, 2009 | No Comments

In a couple of weeks, I am going on my first ever artist retreat as I travel to the Touch Drawing Gathering on Whidbey Island in Washington.

There’s a part of me that is nervous about it for several reasons.

I’ve never been to an artist retreat before. I imagine that everyone else will have much more talent and be much more creative than I could ever hope to have or be. I imagine that my work will be shallow, that I will be unable to dive as deeply as I want to or need to. I imagine that I will be the example of someone who is stuck and unwilling to see the obvious-to-everyone-else blockage to going deep and fully experiencing the process.

I also imagine that when I come back from retreat my “real life” will be in shambles and that the next week or so will overwhelm me further. That the housework will have piled up, that my project at the museum will be behind schedule, that packing for the move will be where it was when I left, and that everyone will want a piece of me and my time. I imagine that I won’t be able to hold onto whatever little piece of peace I was able to find on retreat.

And I know that all of these are projections, but still they are present inside of me.

There is also a part of me that is very hopeful and excited.

I imagine that my work will be enriched and inspired by the connections I make at this gathering — whether with other artists or with my own soul or with the creative source.

I imagine that I will make great friends that I will stay in contact with to share our artistic and spiritual journeys.

I imagine that I will learn techniques to deepen my own practice and to help others back home.

I imagine that my soul will be fed and my path made a little more clear.

Just in writing this, I have become aware of my need to set a positive intention in ritual space before I leave. 

I will engage fully with my soul and divine spark within. I will endeavor to see the divine within each person I meet. I will keep my eyes, ears, and heart open for serendipitous moments of wonder and inspiration.

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