Youth Mourning by Sir George Clausen, 1916
I have been wondering why today I am raw at the edges. On the train, I thought to myself that I wanted to love greatly in this world and started to cry. All day I have struggled to “keep it together.” And yet, nothing is really wrong…is it?
I looked at the phone which sits on my desk at work and noticed the date. October 20, 2010. Ten years and one day since I received word that my father had died.
We were never close. Our relationship was awkward and strained. And yet he shaped my youthful psyche in ways that still resonnate deeply in my daily life.
I learned things about him after his death that helped to explain why he continually pushed people away if they became too emotionally close. I see his struggle with depression while striving to answer a call from the Divine in my own struggles. I look to his life as a gauge of how not to be with myself and others in my life. And yet on some level my instinctual reactions are much the same as his seemed to be.
Ten years and I still grieve and fear and struggle. I have done rituals to find and offer forgiveness and release. I have written poetry and drawn pictures of my saddness. The pain is less than it was ten years ago, and the pain is the same as it was ten years ago.
I hated him. I loved him. I miss him. I am glad that this miserable life of his is over — maybe he’ll get another chance at happiness. Maybe he already has.
I still haven’t made my peace. I don’t know if I ever will.
Tomorrow will be ten years and two days. May my heart be opened. May my heart be strong. May my heart be filled with love.
I just realized that it’s been 2 months since last I wrote (thank you, Thalia, for checking in on me!). What all has been happening?
Well, in September, we had our local Pagan Pride Day. About 50-60 people attended and the event went off without a hitch.
The very next day, I left for a cruise to the western Caribbean with my mother. We visited the Mayan ruins of Tulum and tried (unsuccessfully) to kayak together in Grand Cayman. We generally had a blast!
Two weeks ago I turned 40. Two weekends of booze and birthday cake…oh yeah, and friends and family. A much better birthday than when I turned 30 (we won’t even go there yet). We had a small bonfire in the backyard and drank (and libated) homemade virtya straight from the bottle.
On the day of my actual birthday, I was honored to officiate a wedding. Two firsts for me — my first wedding in DC and my first wedding for a same-sex couple. It was a lovely, informal ceremony at Meridian Park.
Now I am getting ready for another first. My first time vending my jewelry and art. I’m going to Florida for the Villages Parapsychology Expo Halloween weekend. Wish me luck and plenty of sales! I’m putting together my table and inventory. I’m not really stressed (just keep telling myself that), but there’s a lot to get done.
October is always the busiest month for me. But that’s no excuse for not writing for the last two months.
Oh yeah, I almost totally forgot! I ran the Warrior Dash earlier this month. My goals were simple — complete all the obstacles, don’t finish last, and don’t die. I accomplished those goals and had fun, too!